ENGLISH IS A CRAZY LANGUAGE
Part 2
By Richard Lederer
From "Crazy English: the Ultimate Joy Ride Through Our Language" (Pocket Books,
1989):
Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people drive in a
parkway and park in a driveway? In what other language do people recite at a
play and play at a recital? In what other language do privates eat in the
general mess and generals eat in the private mess? In what other language do
people ship by truck and send cargo by ship? In what other language can your
nose run and your feet smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same and a bad licking and a good
licking be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can
sharp speech and blunt speech be the same and quite a lot and quite a few the
same, while overlook and oversee are opposites? How can the weather be hot as
hell one day and cold as hell the next? How can the expressions "What's going
on?" and "What's coming off?" mean exactly the same thing?!?
If button and unbutton and tie and untie are opposites, why are loosen and
unloosen and ravel and unravel he same? If bad is the opposite of good, hard the
opposite of soft, and up the opposite of down, why are badly and goodly, hardly
and softy, and upright and downright not opposing pairs? If harmless actions are
the opposite of harmful nonactions, why are shameful and shameless behavior the
same and pricey objects less expensive than priceless ones.
If appropriate and inappropriate remarks and passable and impassable mountain
trails are opposites, why are flammable and inflammable materials, heritable and
inheritable property, and passive and impassive people the same and valuable
objects less treasured than invaluable ones? If uplift is the same as lift up,
why are upset and set up opposite in meaning? Why are pertinent and impertinent,
canny and uncanny, and famous and infamous neither opposites nor the same? How
can raise and raze and reckless and wreckless be opposites when each pair
contains the same sound?
Why is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible; that when I clip a coupon from
a newspaper I separate it, but when I clip a coupon to a newspaper, I fasten it;
and that when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I
shall end it?
English is a crazy language.
How can expressions like "I'm mad about my flat," "No football coaches allowed,"
"I'll come by in the morning and knock you up," and "Keep your pecker up" convey
such different messages in two countries that purport to speak the same English?
How can it be easier to assent than to dissent but harder to ascend than to
descend? Why it is that a man with hair on his head has more hair than a man
with hairs on his head; that if you decide to be bad forever, you choose to be
bad for good; and that if you choose to wear only your left shoe, then your left
one is right and your right one is left? Right?
Reprinted by permission.
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