A BIT OF HUMOR

From Mikey: Seriously, buy this woman's new book filled with her hilarious and 
thoughtful columns for Christmas! Your recipients will be elated as they get to 
know Saralee, Bob, and the menagerie! (Info below.)

HOLIDAY HINTS TO CHUCK OUT 
By Saralee Perel

Must we be barraged during the holidays by those annually-irritating experts who 
suggest we deny ourselves everything from one lousy cookie to a single piece of 
pie? 

I'll paraphrase advice I've read and then add my opinion. 

1. Fill up on carrots before going to a party. Bring some with you too. 

That's a great idea. When your host has painstakingly labored to make a billion 
canap's, she'll be thrilled when everyone grabs big fat carrots from their 
pockets or purses and gnaws on those instead. 

2. Guzzle 2 gallons of water before the party, then only drink water while 
you're there. 

Hey. Why don't we just lug the host's garden hose into the festive party room, 
turn it on and suck on it every time we're offered a cocktail wiener? 

3. A food pyramid is a nutritional chart. It is not a colossal tower of stacked 
meat. No food piling! Keep it to one layer. 

This doesn't make sense. It necessitates making over 10 trips to the buffet 
table. 

4. I read an article by a registered dietitian: "Never allow leftovers to enter 
your house. If you have a pushy host who insists you take home the rest of the 
crescent roll pastry Brie wheel, graciously take it but conveniently leave it in 
the bathroom on your way out." 

Oh, this is a beauty. When I emailed this tip to my friend Mike, who is a 
Mikey's Funnies reader, he replied, "Seriously . . . who takes cheese into the 
bathroom?" 

Plus, if everyone puts food in the bathroom, that room will look like a separate 
party for the gastronomically-impaired. 

5. Stare at food for a full minute before eating. Then you won't be eating 
subconsciously. 

Have you ever stared at an oyster the second it's shucked? Do you really want to 
see your food moving right before you eat it? 

6. Do not scream, "Fire!" so you can be first at the buffet table. That would be 
stupid. But be sure you're the last in line. Party dishes look too tempting when 
nobody's swiped the good stuff, like the crab balls off the salad greens. By the 
time it's your turn, the food will look dreary, limp and tasteless. 

The only things left will be Portobello mushrooms. (Their name is French for big 
old flat doorknobs.) The lobster they were stuffed with will be gone. We'll be 
looking at gray floppy discs with gills. 

And so, if you're a skinny person who can eat anything, we all hate you. For the 
rest of us, maybe we can enjoy some holiday food without feeling guilty. At my 
house, you're welcome to stack, blot or pile your food. But would you mind not 
hiding it in the bathroom?

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Award-winning, nationally-syndicated columnist, Saralee Perel, can be reached at 
sperel@saraleeperel.com. Her newest book is "Cracked Nuts & Sentimental 
Journeys: Stories From a Life Out of Balance." From Mike Atkinson: "I love you 
and Bob. Your wisdom and humor provide guidance and encouragement to thousands 
of people." For ordering info, including a signed copy, please see her website: 
www.saraleeperel.com 

Copyright 2012 Saralee Perel. Permission is granted to send this to others, with 
attribution, but not for commercial purposes.

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If the corn farmer fires his workers, will they stalk him? Oh shucks, I hope 
not, they'd give him an earful!

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MIKEYSFUNNIES.COM

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